An architect of my own demise
I must, today, expose a conspiracy that has plagued me for years and, I must believe, extends well beyond myself, for I cannot believe that I alone am so important as to cause these people to go to such lengths.
There is an architectural cabal which plots to overthrow the world – and make no mistake, I believe they can do it – by the simple expedient of restroom confusion.
Many have made the case that in restaurants you may be completely unable to determine which restroom you should be using because of the obscure signage. This is mere child’s play, mere practice for the true plot – when large buildings are designed, there are bathrooms on multiple floors, and in the U.S. at least they are divided into male and female rooms, and each floor’s restrooms are architecturally identical. In some cases (such as where I work) there are multiple buildings which all have the same bathroom architecture. The problem? They like to switch, seemingly at random, the side on which the genders have their bathrooms.
To be completely clear, if you are in one of these office buildings, and you approach the bathrooms, they are both located on one wall. Thus, regardless of which side of the building you’re on, you approach the same visual presentation. A wall, or an indentation, with doors to the left and the right. Depending on which building you’re in, and which area of a given buildling you’re in, these doors may be in one of two configurations – in my case, I’m looking for the men’s bathroom.
On my floor, in my building, the men’s bathroom is on the right.
I’ve been at the same office location for almost 2 years now, so I’m rather used to this configuration. Thus, when I approach a “new” set of bathroom doors with identical architectural configuration and clues, I veer to the right.
This has served, on more than one occasion, to make me look like a perv.
The most notable occurence actually happened years ago, in my first “real” tech job, where I was on a different floor for a meeting. I’d never been on another floor long enough to have to use the restroom before, and it never occurred to me at the time that there might be a difference. I left the meeting quickly and quietly and made my way to the restroom, threw open the door and walked in. I made my way purposefully towards the far wall, passing a woman at the sink. A woman at the sink.
I stopped dead.
A look of absolute horror frozen on my face, I spun on my heel and stared at the woman standing there washing her hands.
She calmly looked up at me with a puzzled expression and I stammered out profuse apologies, which she accepted as she started laughing, and I made my way out with all speed (i.e. I ran)
Nothing of this level has happened since – I’ve become more cagey, more aware of the conspiracy. They won’t trap me this easily again. But they’re subtle, and their resources seem to know no bounds. I have 6 buildings now of which I have to be aware. It’s difficult, but I’m watching.
(yes. today I very nearly went into the wrong restroom again. bah…)
